It doesn't work this way for everybody, nor is there a reason why it should.

[avevale_intelligencer]

So this is just my personal experience here. My thoughts are not your thoughts, my mileage is not your mileage, my oil pressure light is not...you get the idea. This post is descriptive, not prescriptive, and there are no universal truths contained herein that I know of.

It's often stated as if it *were* a universal truth that anger is a healthy thing, that we should all be totally honest about our feelings because that "gets them out" and we'll all feel better, that if we let everyone know exactly what we're feeling about everything the streams will run the purer and we shouldn't bottle things up because that will make us ill. As a confirmed bottler (and ill person; go figure), I can say with absolute confidence that every time I have followed this advice and expressed my negative feelings honestly;

a) I have felt worse;
b) everyone around me has felt worse;
c) situations that were simple have become complicated;
d) situations that were complicated have become actively unpleasant;
e) it's taken a great deal of time and effort on everyone's part just to clear up the mess I made and get us all back to some kind of modus vivendi.

Every time. No exceptions. Being relatively sane, the only conclusion I can come to is that honestly expressing my negative emotions is something I should never ever do. Whether this is because I don't do it right, or because my negative emotions are just so toxic that they're not like other people's, or possibly because I have a psychic septic tank while others are connected to the main drain, I don't know.

The problem, of course, is that emotion trumps reason for me as I believe it does for most people, and sometimes I can't help it. At that point I can only apologise for mucking up other people's lives with stuff that should have stayed decently inside where it could do no harm to anyone else, and ask them as far as possible to ignore it, and try my best not to do it again.

So that's what I will do.

Comments

[pbristow.livejournal.com]

And thus we discern the vital social role of the "best friend"^TM: The one person^* to whom, in a moment of crisis, you can vent your true feelings in the confidence that they will *not* allow said feelings to go any further and thereby make anyone feel worse, or any situation get more complicated or more unpleasant; and who will avoid the need for any clearing up of mess *by anybody*, by simply not remembering a word of what you said the following day. The application of liberal quantities of alchohol (to both participants) may be beneficial for that final detail in particular.

OK, so there may in fact need to be some literal clearing up of physical mess, but that seems to be a fair trade IMHO.

^*(Sometimes, if you're really lucky, you'll have more than one person who can fulfil this role. And sometimes, if you're really *un*lucky, you'll have no such person at all. =:o\ )

[the-alchemist.livejournal.com]

My experiences aren't as clear cut as yours, but I definitely used to go too far with being honest about my feelings and it did cause woe and misery. I think there's a level of moderation to find, and it isn't either always keeping silent or always saying something.

One thing to bear in mind is that everyone has a fairly clear cut idea of how honest about their feelings each of their friends is. This means that if you're not generally that open about negative feelings, and the suddenly you say something that is, people will be much more shocked and upset than if you are a person who is habitually open about them. This is because they think: "wow, if even smallship1 is willing to say he's angry with me, it must be REALLY bad". Whereas if it was me they'd be more inclined to say: "oh, ok, it's the_alchemist saying one of those things she quite often says."

This means that after a few months of being (moderately, circumspectly) open about your negative feelings, people would get used to it and you would start finding the positive as well as the negative consequences.

[keristor.livejournal.com]

This. I found the same thing with swearing. I got known as "Chris doesn't swear", because I don't usually in public (and especially not at work). So when at work I came out with something mild like 'bloody' everyone was shocked and went like "Oh no, he must be really mad!" (and in fact I wasn't noticably more angry than usual). Whereas others who use the f-word every other paragraph aren't noticed.

That's one of the problems with "bottling it up". A related one is that when (not if) the bottle does burst, or at least the cork comes out, the pressure is likely to be a lot higher than if it's vented more regularly. I now tend to vent in the car, I'll come out with a string of FFFSCFFF or whatever, and sometimes scream, where no one else can hear me, just to let it out (and in fact I stay in control physically, no one from outside would notice any difference in my driving because that's on a different level).

Doing it by yourself also avoids feedback. Yelling at another person can escalate to where actual damage is done. My mother used to go out and pull beetroot and wring them (you have to twist the neck of the plant to stop it 'bleeding'), giving them the names of the people who had annoyed her. After half an hour or so she'd be calm again (and have some fresh beetroot for dinner, double win!). As a kid I used to go and chop firewood, same sort of effect.

And as someone else said, if all that happens is some raised voices (or the net equivalent, in ALL CAPS) and some hurt feelings, that's lucky. Some people end up in hospital...

[coth.livejournal.com]

If you keep it all to yourself always I think you will damage yourself and those close to you. But in letting it out I think it pays to pick your forum. Anger is best dealt with in the long term by being examined and thought about and dealt with, but there are many places where that can't happen. Having a best friend or counsellor can help do the work. So can private writing. Venting immediate anger in company where your anger may hit others' triggers is almost always a bad idea.

Another of my friends on LJ has set up a counselling filter so they can talk about private feelings in friendly and non-judgemental company - would that help you?

[tig-b.livejournal.com]

First - *hugs*

I believe people need a safe place to vent, cry, etc. I have a couple of friends and a therapy/angst LJ filter (which is opt-in).

I don't agree with bottling it up, but maybe a more positive way to deal? You could get advice about turning aggression (words or actions) into assertiveness, and how to help with self-doubt?

[howeird]

Keeping anger locked up inside is a prescription for ulcers and a heart attack. Unless, perhaps, you are a Zen monk. They apparently learn how to connect to the main drain, but at the cost of a normal social life.

If the only side effects of your anger are bad feelings all around, you are one very lucky fellow. In some people, side effects included broken windows, smashed furniture, smashed furniture being thrown through windows, fisticuffs and the occasional stabbing with the nearest pointy object. In extreme cases, setting fire to things and blowing stuff up can occur.

As others have pointed out, choosing your forum is important. So is choosing what you vent about, and the words with which you do it. You are so very good with words - the same talent to deliver a scathing comment can be used to turn it into something more tactful, if not a compliment. Best advice my mother ever gave me, I think.

[michael cule (from livejournal.com)]

I have observed that a free and honest expression of one's emotions should only be undertaken once you have carefully and cold-bloodedly examined all the alternatives.

Unfortunately, life often sneaks up on you and drops you into things that you weren't prepared for and you find yourself stating truths that perhaps you weren't even aware you knew or felt. That is occasionally a good thing but more often not.

[wyld-dandelyon.livejournal.com]

How and when one expresses negative emotions matters too. For me, anger is the emotion that says something needs to change, and working toward that change is sometimes expression enough.

It makes sense to me to not say things that will act counter to the changes you feel need to happen, causing hurt and problems instead of solving those things.

[pbristow.livejournal.com]

"For me, anger is the emotion that says something needs to change, and working toward that change is sometimes expression enough. "

Exactly! "Expressing your feelings" is not the same thing as "allowing your first instinctive reaction free reign". Particularly if said instinctive reaction is very strong and potentially violent. Speaking calmly and reasonably, explaining just how furious you are and why and what you'd like the other party to do about it over a period of minutes, hours or (if necessary) weeks, while only allowing your face to turn puce occasionally at key points, can be just as expressive as (and ultimately more productive than) exploding with said fury on the spot.