Ongoing gardening

[avevale_intelligencer]

Yesterday we cut back the holly tree so that I can walk underneath it without bending double. It will need a more serious cut if I'm going to get the wooden shed (which is taller than me) into the corner where the plastic Shed will have been, but enough is enough for one day. We're still not sure what to do about the apple tree--we missed the window for cutting it back because I am a lazy slob and it's now bursting with blossom, but it desperately needs it.

Jan started to use her new computer yesterday morning and discovered that while it's been on an ad for Norton Online Backup has appeared which we couldn't get rid of without shutting down and restarting. On advice from Currys we downloaded the Norton Removal Tool to get rid of the trial version that came with it (which is the apparent source of the ad) and lo, the NRT window was massively too big for the screen and we couldn't use it. Eventually I found the Win 7 equivalent of "Add or Remove Programmes" and we got rid of it that way, but it provided the usual half hour of panic and frustration that happens whenever Jan first tries to use something new and nice. We've emailed Norton, but I'm not expecting a useful answer.

Today we are expecting a plumber to fix the leaky valve in the downstairs loo, and then I plan to cart away the sacks of rubble left over from previous gardening efforts which have been cluttering up the place for years. My back and legs are now sending me rude messages on a regular basis, but there's nobody else to do this stuff--if we lived closer to London I might dare to ask friends to come and help, but a two hundred mile drive each way plus heavy lifting in between is a serious proposition, and my spaghetti boggle plus our sparkling company doesn't cut it as recompense. Even if I had any mushrooms in the house.

The point of being a husband--the main point--is to be useful. I can't understand any man who doesn't get that, who doesn't understand that the ineffable gift of being allowed to share the life of the one you love comes with responsibilities. As it is I've shirked and goofed off and failed far too often--if I'd done more of this stuff when I was relatively able-bodied there wouldn't be so much to do now when I'm less so. Since it seems unlikely that I'll ever be in better shape than I am now, the prospects aren't good.

The rest of the Shed will be gone by the weekend. Thor hast spoken.

Plumber is here. Off we go.

Comments

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

"The point of being a husband--the main point--is to be useful"
No. The point of a husband (speaking as a wife) is to love and to be loved. "To have and to hold, in sickness and in health", and all that. Being useful is an optional extra: nice, but not the main purpose.

[zanda-myrande.livejournal.com]

Loving and being loved is its own purpose, and part--to me--of the purpose of being a person. It's certainly fundamental to a marriage. But I've never felt that not being useful was an option for me as a husband (though it might have seemed that way because I'm so crap at it).

[keristor.livejournal.com]

It seems to me that if your positions were reversed -- if Jan were the able one and you were too ill to be 'useful' -- you would consider yourself not worthy to be a husband? Your privilege, certainly, to consider yourself however you want, but that seems to me to be rather hard on any other person in that position.

And why? Because you're a man and therefore have to be 'useful' to be loved? Why don't women also have to be 'useful' to be a wife?

[zanda-myrande.livejournal.com]

Personally, yes I would, but only with reference to me. Other people can and should decide for themselves. I just don't understand the rationale of a man who, having wooed and won the woman of his dreams, doesn't constantly measure himself by how much he does to make her life better and happier. But then I don't have to. That's their affair.

Likewise with women. I'm not one, so I couldn't say. The Countess has compelling reasons for not being as "useful" around the house as she would wish to be, and pushes her limits even then to a degree that sometimes worries me. But--and I may just be a little biased here--she is so much more than useful in other respects that I would cherish and love and serve her if she did nothing at all but write and paint (which I wish she would do a little more of).

It's been my observation, though, and I'm aware I'm skating on thin ice here, that many of the married women I have known hold themselves to that standard anyway. It goes without saying, for them, that they should be useful. With men, again on the basis of my observation, that's not necessarily the case, though I've also known some honourable exceptions.

It's also the case that some men feel--whether with or without justification I couldn't say--that since they go out to work and earn the bread they're excused any other domestic responsibilities. I just know that my dad didn't feel that way (though his Saturday afternoon with Grandstand was sacrosanct), and neither did I when I was in work.

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

The way I see it is that everyone, male or female, married or unmarried, has an obligation to be "useful" in so far as they're able, merely to justify using resources by being alive.

There's a difference between having a husband and having a live-in lodger, or hired worker, and "love and be loved" is the best way I can put it. If the love happens to express itself in doing the washing-up, fine. If it comes out as unexpected bunches of daffs, fine. A kiss as I hand him his dinner and a beer? Fine. The love itself implies that he's doing what he can to be useful, and he isn't an employee to be measured by performance.

[keristor.livejournal.com]

It's also the case that some men feel--whether with or without justification I couldn't say--that since they go out to work and earn the bread they're excused any other domestic responsibilities

Oh yes, and if you're contrasting with that type then I totally agree. I remember one at one place I worked who boasted that he never did anything at home -- the rest of us (it was an all-male office) made it very clear that his attitude was unacceptable. That's a lot different from being unable, though (this guy was perfectly fit, worked out at the gym, played sports, etc.). My point was that being unable to do something physically is not, in my opinion, any grounds for being unworthy as a husband. Being able and refusing to do anything 'useful', though, is grounds for elimination...

As for other people holding themselves to that standard (I have no figures but it may well be more women than men), that (as I think I said elsewhere recently) is part of the "Protestant work ethic" which holds that to do anything apart from 'work' is sinful, and tends to rate people by their 'usefulness' or utility to 'society'. It's no longer associated just with the 'Protestant' culture, of course, it's spread all through society as well as a- and anti-religious ones (the old SU, for instance, and China).

[deborah_c]

spaghetti boggle

That's the game where you shake up half a tin of Alphabetti Spaghetti and try to make words out of it, presumably?

[zanda-myrande.livejournal.com]

Alphabetti Spaghetti indeed. (Though I suppose if I could find some dry alphabet pasta I might give it a go...Hmm, yes, that could be fun. But how many points for a bay leaf?)

[aunty_marion]

I think getting a bay leaf cancels out all your previous points scored...

[keristor.livejournal.com]

Norton anything is evil. At one time, back when Peter Norton was writing his own utilities, they were the best thing around, but these days I won't allow anything Norton anywhere near a PC. It's usually hard to get rid of without breaking the system, and tends to make things worse not better. Especially the antivirus.

[howeird]

What anti-virus would you suggest? [also not a modern Norton fan]

[keristor.livejournal.com]

I have AVG Free version. Although that's getting rather naggy recently and wanting to install toolbars and link 'protection' (and the paid version of course), and isn't as light as it used to be. But at least it uninstalls cleanly. I did try one of the other ones (Avast or Avira, I unremember which because the names are similar) but it seemed more intrusive. But I might give it/them another try if AVG annoys me some more.

[howeird]

Thanks!

[janewilliams20.livejournal.com]

The one that comes built into Windows 7 is surprisingly good, and has less of a tendency to slow the machine down while running than others. If you're not running Win7, I believe it's available as a free download for earlier versions of the OS, though I don't know details.

[howeird]

Windows7 Ultimate 64-bit does not have virus protection. It has a firewall and scans for spyware (Windows Defender), but no virus protection. If you remove your virus protection software, Windows7 will point you to a page of approved 3rd-party software (if you haven't disabled the "annoy me" feature).