The captain speaks: a sort of rant
May. 7th, 2014 11:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
avevale_intelligencerSettle down, please. Come on now, settle down.
I'm getting really tired of all these people complaining that the boat is filling up with water. Let's be quite clear about this; the water is only doing what water naturally does. It's perfectly normal and nothing to be alarmed about. Some captains, admittedly, prefer to keep the water out of their vessels, but that's just a stylistic preference, a matter of personal taste if you like; you only have to look around to see that some very famous and successful ships, such as the Titanic and the Lusitania, have managed quite well with it inside.
And in any case, I don't know why you're grumbling. Salt water is very good for your feet. Roll your trousers up and have a paddle. This pernickety preference for being dry will soon pass off when it gets above your knees. Look, this is an unparalleled opportunity you're getting here. Most ships only skate across the surface of the water, whereas you have a chance to see what really goes on underneath. That's where it's all happening, you know. Some people would give their right arms for the privilege.
Now I hear some of you have been making a lot of trouble about drowning. I want to put to rest some of these old wives' tales and snobberies that have been going around. Drowning is really not that bad. Science tells us, after all, that water has oxygen in it just like air, rather more in fact if you take it pound for pound. Fish manage perfectly well, you know, and you're not going to tell me you can't do as well as a fish. It's just a case of making a little bit more of an effort for once. You'll soon get the hang of it. The oceans are where we all came from, good grief. Think of it as getting back to your roots. You'll soon find these modern shibboleths about only breathing air are completely unfounded. I mean, look at the poisons they've been pumping into the air all these years. If your lungs can handle that then a little drop of water's not going to be a problem, is it?
No, as a matter of fact we don't have any lifeboats. They were removed a few years ago. We decided they were elitist and old-fashioned and interfered with the natural order. Rescue? Why on earth would we need rescue? Look, let's get this clear. This vessel and others like it were indeed built by our grandfathers and great-grandfathers to get us across the ocean safely, we don't dispute that. But you know, they didn't go about it in a very efficient manner. They started out with canoes and coracles, and went on to sailing ships of all kinds, and some of those looked decidedly odd and didn't work too well. And then there were steam ships, and they were dirty and unpleasant and dangerous. And every single one of those ships was prone to sinking. Ships have sunk throughout history. It's obviously part of the natural evolution of ships. And someone always came along and built a better one. So clearly this ship is bound to sink eventually, there's no point in trying to keep it seaworthy when the odds are so very much against us, so we think best to just let it happen. Let her go down. It's right, it's natural, and do you know we think it's rather beautiful. I just wish you would all join me in appreciating that simple, natural beauty, and stop talking about plugging the holes or mending the rudder or getting the engines to work. If they were meant to be working, they'd be working, wouldn't they? Stands to reason. No, no. This is how it's supposed to be. We let the ship go down, we let the water do what it will, we stop trying to fight the current of history, and all of you can just sink or swim. I can't put it any more plainly than that, can I?
Now if you'll excuse me, I think there's just time for one more bath...
EDIT: if you don't know what this is about, you probably don't need to. Just apply it to whatever you feel best suits it. There's a wide range of possibilities...
I'm getting really tired of all these people complaining that the boat is filling up with water. Let's be quite clear about this; the water is only doing what water naturally does. It's perfectly normal and nothing to be alarmed about. Some captains, admittedly, prefer to keep the water out of their vessels, but that's just a stylistic preference, a matter of personal taste if you like; you only have to look around to see that some very famous and successful ships, such as the Titanic and the Lusitania, have managed quite well with it inside.
And in any case, I don't know why you're grumbling. Salt water is very good for your feet. Roll your trousers up and have a paddle. This pernickety preference for being dry will soon pass off when it gets above your knees. Look, this is an unparalleled opportunity you're getting here. Most ships only skate across the surface of the water, whereas you have a chance to see what really goes on underneath. That's where it's all happening, you know. Some people would give their right arms for the privilege.
Now I hear some of you have been making a lot of trouble about drowning. I want to put to rest some of these old wives' tales and snobberies that have been going around. Drowning is really not that bad. Science tells us, after all, that water has oxygen in it just like air, rather more in fact if you take it pound for pound. Fish manage perfectly well, you know, and you're not going to tell me you can't do as well as a fish. It's just a case of making a little bit more of an effort for once. You'll soon get the hang of it. The oceans are where we all came from, good grief. Think of it as getting back to your roots. You'll soon find these modern shibboleths about only breathing air are completely unfounded. I mean, look at the poisons they've been pumping into the air all these years. If your lungs can handle that then a little drop of water's not going to be a problem, is it?
No, as a matter of fact we don't have any lifeboats. They were removed a few years ago. We decided they were elitist and old-fashioned and interfered with the natural order. Rescue? Why on earth would we need rescue? Look, let's get this clear. This vessel and others like it were indeed built by our grandfathers and great-grandfathers to get us across the ocean safely, we don't dispute that. But you know, they didn't go about it in a very efficient manner. They started out with canoes and coracles, and went on to sailing ships of all kinds, and some of those looked decidedly odd and didn't work too well. And then there were steam ships, and they were dirty and unpleasant and dangerous. And every single one of those ships was prone to sinking. Ships have sunk throughout history. It's obviously part of the natural evolution of ships. And someone always came along and built a better one. So clearly this ship is bound to sink eventually, there's no point in trying to keep it seaworthy when the odds are so very much against us, so we think best to just let it happen. Let her go down. It's right, it's natural, and do you know we think it's rather beautiful. I just wish you would all join me in appreciating that simple, natural beauty, and stop talking about plugging the holes or mending the rudder or getting the engines to work. If they were meant to be working, they'd be working, wouldn't they? Stands to reason. No, no. This is how it's supposed to be. We let the ship go down, we let the water do what it will, we stop trying to fight the current of history, and all of you can just sink or swim. I can't put it any more plainly than that, can I?
Now if you'll excuse me, I think there's just time for one more bath...
EDIT: if you don't know what this is about, you probably don't need to. Just apply it to whatever you feel best suits it. There's a wide range of possibilities...
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no subject
Date: 2014-05-07 03:44 pm (UTC)