Well, that was fun.

[avevale_intelligencer]

You may recall that after the last visit to the DC we stormed out never to return. Well, obviously that wasn't going to work (it never works on the internet either) so I decided to take Jan back for Mother's Day and try to mend some fences.

The plan was to go up on the Saturday, but that didn't happen for all the usual reasons, so we set off on Sunday morning, arrived around two, and by three the argument was on again. We stuck it out till about nine, went down to the guest room and collapsed into bed, and were back by lunchtime yesterday for another session, which culminated in Jan being told to get out of her mother's house, which we did, leaving the lunch I'd just made untasted on the plates. So we went and looked at another house we can't afford (very nice, beautifully decorated and cared for, but the wind and the snow were lethal and I could have done WOOF WOOF WOOF without the WOOF WOOF excitable WOOF WOOF WOOF spaniels contributing WOOF to the WOOF WOOF conversation every WOOF three seconds), and fetched up at cousin Maureen's. Maureen is nice. She rallied round and fed us, and advised us to go back and basically try to pretend it hadn't happened, but that was a non-starter, so we came home.

That was an awful lot of petrol money to waste, not to mention food and other necessities. I don't know how long this breach will last, but I think I'll wait for Jan to suggest it before we go up again.

And the kitchen light's gone phut at some point. Lovely.

Originally posted on http://avevale_intelligencer.dreamwidth.org. Comment here or there or both if you wish.

Comments

[the-magician.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

One of the things I learned from a "communication and relationships" course years ago, is that you can't fix things for other people by telling them anecdotes ;-)

More seriously, one of the things that it taught me is that if you stand back and look at an argument ... is to see what the people involved each are trying to get out of the argument ... some people need to be "right", some people need to "win", some people just need the other person to give up, or to get angry, or to storm out, or to roll over and apologise ... there are other outcomes too ..

... and most of us think we are rational, sensible human beings, and why can't that stupid other person just listen to what we're saying, apologise, and go along with what is obviously right, our viewpoint.

There will be times when there is no happy middle ground. Where you have to decide what is more important, the happiness of a dotty old woman, approval from said dotty old woman, being "right" and getting her to admit it, getting her to admit she's wrong ...

... and when you are sure you know what you want, then you can see whether it is ever likely to happen. If you don't, then you're pretty much down to repeating the same patterns, until one of you wears out or passes on ...

Yes, it is infuriating. Yes, she's wrong. No, I doubt she's ever going to change appreciably. No, I don't think arguments are going to change that.

Sometimes family duty has to overrule logic and sense ... and sometimes logic and sense and personal mental health have to override family duty.

There is a saying something like intelligence is not repeating the same thing over and over and expecting something different to happen this time (no matter how much you want it to).

Hugs

[lexin.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry that you smallship1 and the Countess had such a vile time.

Remind me to tell you, when things are less fraught, the story of the time I went to see the Aged P., and came away having had her upset me to the degree that even while I was there, with her, I had to contact the Ministry of Magic's staff assistance helpline, and was waiting for them to arrange for me my free six therapy sessions. I also had to see my doctor for supportive drugs.

I moved on from there to 24 therapy sessions run by my local mental hospital and from there to two years of twice-weekly therapy arranged courtesy of my doctor.

Yes, it was that bad.

(If it was that bad for you, it may be worth you or the Countess seeing your doctor(s) for advice.)

So, yes, I know whereof you speak about dotty old ladies who want everything their way.

Having said that, what almost three years of therapy gave me was the understanding that however vile the Aged could be, and she could really be very unpleasant sometimes, she was the only mother I had or was ever going to have and was I really going to refuse to contact her again? The answer was 'no', though I did have to set some limits.

Which is to say, I agree with what the_magician said, and he said it more eloquently than I have here.

And finally:

{{hugs}} to you both.

[dickgloucester.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry to hear you've had such a rotten trip. *hugs*

[valydiarosada.livejournal.com]

*Hugs*

And *hugs* to the Countess too.

[filia-glis.livejournal.com]

Hugs from me, too!

[aunty_marion]

*hugs* to both of you. Though I'm glad to hear that apparently the Countess and *my* mother appear to have hit it off! I phoned Mum on Sunday and she said she'd had several enjoyable letters from Jan.

Which reminds me, what are you up to over the Easter weekend? Mum wants me to head down her way, just after Easter...

[donnacat60.livejournal.com]

Hugs. You are not to blame, so don't worry. Older people get very set on "I am right and you are wrong".

More hugs.