Another brief emergence.

Someone whom I consider a good friend (never more so) has put some things in sharp perspective for me. They weren't things I didn't know, and it's not the first time they have been pointed out to me, but the fact that it still needs doing indicates that it probably won't be the last time either--that these things about me are not subject to final change. Perhaps they might have been if they had been caught at an earlier age, but that ship has long ago encountered its iceberg.

I am more or less completely disorganised, both physically and mentally. I aspire to organisation, but invariably fail. This means that I do forget important facts, I do lose or throw away things which I realise later were important, I do make stupid and avoidable mistakes, and I can not always be relied upon.

I lack any kind of self-discipline, which means that I may make commitments which later I find myself unable to keep, even though I may wish to very much. This is further complicated by the facts that my time is not entirely my own, and that my energy levels are constantly very low, but the underlying fault is nobody's but mine. I'm also very lazy, which doesn't help.

Like many fans, who came to sf and fantasy because they did not play well with others as children, I have little or no social skill. I am useless at making conversation or any kind of connection with people, except through my creative endeavours, and since I am basically selfish, this sometimes becomes obvious in my interactions with people, even people of whom I am genuinely fond and whom I count as friends.

THESE ARE NOT EXCUSES, NOR IS THIS ME INDULGING IN SELF-FLAGELLATION (though I do do that as well). I'm not looking to be soothed or comforted, or told that I'm not that bad. These are real and serious failings, and I hate them and wish to be rid of them, if only I could. Unfortunately they are frequently masked or obscured by the fact that, as was also pointed out, I am good at sounding good. In writing, I can be anyone, even someone better than me, or someone I would like to be but am not. And when this is realised, it follows logically that the only times I can really be believed are when I don't sound good, i.e. when I'm being rude or selfish or lazy. That, it seems, is the "real me" coming out.

I don't believe (though I may be wrong in this as well) that I am malicious, or A Bad Person in the sense of being evil. I am, however, a bad person in the sense of being incompetent at being a person. Being a writer I'm good at, but that is so much less important than the things wherein I fail.

I have said, many and many times, that I do not deserve the friends I have. Perhaps it is now a little clearer how true that is. If, on assessing the faults I've listed, you do not feel that you can count me as a friend, then I understand that. If you do wish to count me as a friend, understand that I will sometimes let you down in all these ways, not because I want to, but because I have insufficient command of myself to prevent it. And I, on my side, will continue to work on combatting these tendencies in me, will admit them honestly when they occur and try to make amends where possible, and will never ever make the mistake of regarding myself as worthy of the friendship I have been given. And I ask that you don't encourage me to do so.

I'm not disabling comments, but posting will probably be sparse for a while longer while I work through this (and also try to get ready for the con).