For entertainment only

I've been reading Asimov again...

THE WISE OLD PHYSICIST: We can best understand the Einsteinian interpretation of gravity if we picture the universe as a flat, thin, superflexible sheet of untearable rubber. If we picture mass as being associated with weight, as it is on the surface of the earth, then we would expect a mass, resting on the rubber sheet, to make an indentation. The greater the mass, the deeper the indentation. In the--

ME: Excuse me. Why?

THE W.O.P.: Why what?

ME: Why would it make an indentation?

THE W.O.P.: Well, because the weight would pull the mass--

ME: Why would it pull the mass?

THE W.O.P.: Because we're picturing mass as being associated with weight. Do try to listen.

ME: Aha. So somewhere under this rubber sheet there is a large mass to which these other masses are attracted.

THE W.O.P.: Yes.

ME: By gravity.

THE W.O.P.: Yes.

ME: Which is what this analogy is supposed to be explaining.

THE W.O.P.: Yes. Um--

ME: We're going to need another rubber sheet.

THE W.O.P.: Look, it's just an analogy.

ME: Not a very good one, is it? Gravity exists because masses in the universe exert a force upon it, which is gravity. A bit circular, don't you think?

THE W.O.P.: We don't know why gravity exists--

ME: A-ha!!!

THE W.O.P.: But this image accounts for the way gravity operates better than the old model of a force operating between masses.

ME: That's because it's got the old model of a force operating between masses built into it. It's turtles all the way down. If you take out the little man pedalling the car won't run. If you take the force of gravity out of your analogy the masses just sit on the rubber sheet and it stays flat.

THE W.O.P.: Look, just shut up, will you.

ME: Thank you, Professor, I understand so much better now.

And another piece

Possibly connected in some way with previous outpourings and possibly not, but in any case not designed to provoke argument or bad feeling in any way...

SCIENTIST: What are you doing?

PRIEST: Sacrificing this young maiden, as you can plainly see. Sorry, my dear, I'll be with you in a moment.

YOUNG MAIDEN: Don't mind me, I'm sure. Here, this stone is freezing.

SCIENTIST: Why do you do this strange thing?

PRIEST: So that our enemies will all flee before us, our land will flow with milk and honey, and the gods will smile on us.

SCIENTIST: But it doesn't work.

PRIEST: But it may.

SCIENTIST: For the last three months you've been eating mud. The only reason you're not conquered right now is that you have nothing left that's worth taking. If there are any gods, I don't think those are their faces pointed at you.

PRIEST: Nevertheless, this is what we do.

YOUNG MAIDEN: Can we get on? There's a barnacle or something digging into me something chronic.

SCIENTIST: You've got no evidence that this works at all, have you?

PRIEST: Ah, but you don't know how bad things might have been if we didn't do it, do you?

SCIENTIST: I don't think I want to. It isn't working. Can't you see that?

PRIEST: It isn't going to work all at once. We're not idiots, you know. These things take time. Maybe this year things will be a little better than last year. And next year a little better again. The thing to do is to keep doing it, and hope.

SCIENTIST: And you don't feel that anything else might work better?

PRIEST: We can't simply do nothing.

SCIENTIST: I'm not saying do nothing. If you look at the causes of your problems and take appropriate action to resolve them--

PRIEST: (firmly) We cannot neglect our sacred duty. This is what we do, and this is what we will always do.

YOUNG MAIDEN: Well, get on and blooming do it then, I'm perishing.

PRIEST: So sorry, my dear. Now then, let me just produce my sacrificial weapon here--

YOUNG MAIDEN: Ooo, I've never seen one as big as that before.

PRIEST: (to SCIENTIST) Do you mind? This is a very solemn moment. Close the henge behind you.

SCIENTIST: (muttering as he goes) razzafrazzin unenlightened heathen...